Over the course of my ministry, I’ve done many weddings. These have included marriages between people of differing faiths (mostly Christian and Jewish), marriages between two non-Christians, marriages between two professing Christians, etc. Recently, a colleague called me with a conundrum… a couple had asked him to perform their wedding, only they didn’t want to be married in the eyes of the state – only in the eyes of God. It seems that their financial situation would be negatively impacted by being legally married. Hmmm… what to do? what to do?
Our denomination has asked that we be in a two year process of reflecting on Christian Marriage. This request is prompted in part by the debate on same-sex marriage, but the more my friend and I talked about his situation, the more I realized that the issue is way more complex than sexuality.
And so I began to think about those times when I’ve debated whether or not I would be willing to perform a wedding for people. Perhaps my hesitations are a key to understanding how I view marriage (Christian or otherwise). What do my hesitations have to tell me about how I view the purpose of marriage; the qualities that make for a good and wholesome marriage; whether marriages should be recognized separately by the church and the state, etc.
The weddings that I’ve hesitated about and/or refused to do include:
- One in which I thought the relationship would be abusive. (I refused to do the marriage.)
- One in which I believed the marriage would fail. (I did the wedding — the marriage failed.)
- One for which the couple had not been able to produce a license by the date of the wedding. (we converted the wedding into a “betrothal” service; the couple honeymooned in Las Vegas, where they were able to legally marry without a license)
What these experiences tell me is that the quality of a relationship is important to me in a marriage. I clearly value a marriage that is mutual and loving over a marriage of convenience or one in which the relationship is not mutually supportive or respectful. I also notice that sometimes I have to separate my “agent of the state” role from my “agent of the church” role.
So, what about you? What marriages have you debated about doing? What marriages have seemed possibly unwise (even if you weren’t the one doing the ceremony)? What do these hesitations tell you about what you value about marriage?
Thoughts & Images from the Heart 
I have done weddings for marriages that failed within weeks and repented of doing them. I have refused to do weddings in which I sensed real problems. I did a wedding for a couple who are residents at Just People in Marietta. One suffers from the aftermath of head trauma and the other from development issues. I asked the Consistory (the Reformed Chruch’s version of a Session) to honor the marriage but did not ask the couple to get a wedding license. Not only would a marriage have affected the support they got from the state, I was not sure that the love they expressed for each other was enough to carry them through their other problems. They stayed together about three years. When the problems became more than they could handle, they went back to the Consistory which acted to grant a divorce. No one was hurt. The couple had a chance to do something few in their situation can attempt. The Church got to exercise its pastoral oversight both at the beginning and the end of a relationship that the Church uniquely blessed. Not every relationship needs the State’s approval. Pete Paulsen
Great thinking and experience, so thoughtful for me as a beginner. You are right to hesitate and to select such weddings if you are able to envisage the aftermath of them. But Rebecca, how would you be sure of the outcome please, educate me.
Seth;
I absolutely have no way of knowing for sure, but often I have an instinct (which I believe to be the Holy Spirit’s working) that gives me some serious pause. I seem to have a particular radar when it comes to violence (physical, sexual or emotional) so I pay particular attention to that. There was one wedding that I refused to do because I had concerns about abuse, which were later confirmed to be true by the woman concerned. Again, I can’t be sure one way or another, but I think it’s important for me to trust my prayerful instincts as a word from the Holy Spirit. Hope that helps.